The 90 Day Marriage Ultimatum: If He Love You Enough, this Strategy Works!
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I did not want to ignore what they were saying because we were there to listen, and support each other but hearing these things cut a like knife, it hurt deeply and I needed to focus on how to regain my economic freedom, to stay on track in spite of the chaos around me. If you were sick due to depression the shelter staff entered the room and demand that you get up and find something to do. There was a lack of compassion but I decided to use this demand as inspiration.
I told my depression to go away. Go away. I would say this every day in my mind. The computer rooms could only be used in the middle of the week even though no one was using them. It was hard to know what you could do to empower your self. All that was on my mind was to find a way I could earn an income independently, I thought the computer and access to the internet would help me figure somethings out, find some sort of inspiration, do some type of research but most of this was restricted.
It was also very cold in the shelter and I became ill the heat was limited. I tried to go to a shelter in New York but because I had not been beaten,and because I did not have children, and because I had no restraining order, I was turned down by Safe Horizon. In the end, with no money, and no way to really sit down and craft a plan to create an opportunity to use my talents to make money, I was forced to return to my husband.
He allowed me to return but he stopped purchasing toilet paper, bathroom soap, then he stopped buying food. I contacted the church I attended and asked for help. They told me they could not believe he would do this and no one showed up to help me, never mind that I was a baptized member. I moved from one state of chaos to another, never really having an opportunity to think my way out of hell.
Why do women stay in domestic abusive situations where their economic freedom has been censored? But I am still trying to escape economic abuse, even though there are many organizations stating they can help you gain a divorce, get your green card under the VAWA Act, gain counseling, and help you get away from your abuser, it is not that simple.
There is a waiting list for this help. So again, you are back to the beginning, as an immigrant trapped by economic abuse and the tactics employed by your husband, and you are back to finding a method to gain an income without him knowing, so that you can hire a lawyer to help you get the divorce and get the green card, and for me, that means so I can finally overcome economic abuse, and while you are doing this you have to regulate your brain chemicals to keep the depression away, because it does come for you with great force science have proven that sexual abuse early in life affects our brain chemicals making it harder to keep depression out.
It is the depression that also compounds our ability to get out in time. But I say though it has been the greatest challenge of my life, I still believe I can do all this, and get away in time, before he realizes what I am doing and tries to kill me. Thank you very much for allowing me to share this. I stand with you united, in your love, in your courage.
I admire you. I support you with all my might and heart. When I read about your circumstances and your will power I too am empowered. For those of you who are like me still trying to push your way to the surface, to claim your autonomy: Never, Never, Give up. We must continue to push forward no matter what abusers do to destroy our autonomy, to deny us our economic freedom.
We cannot let them win. Pick any news story at random and it describes the will and determination of the offender in domestic abuse cases. Determination is not exclusive to them. I say even though you might be still locked in this plight with their mad will, you are not less than they are. You are not less than your critics. You are not less than anyone no matter how many material provisions they may have. Those things do not define you. You Are Stronger.
Your abuser is the weaker one because he or she has chosen to neglect his own humanity, his productivity, in order to pursue you the very things that makes us human. Hope, I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. It is heart wrenching to hear your story. The whole race card thing does not help either. My son is also carefully watching this whole thing play out. Let me just say after twenty years of this, I am outta here in the next week after very careful planning and a lot of crying. You are a brave woman Hope, and should be very proud of yourself. You can do it and you deserve that! You have endured so much.
I know there are challenges when trying to leave and start your life over, especially when you are an immigrant. The way he withheld you getting your residency is a common controlling tactic from someone who is abusive. I am glad that you were told about VAWA Violence Against Women Act , which can help victims of abuse, who are married to a citizen, possibly petition for their own residency an immigration lawyer can go over the qualifications with anyone interested in this.
Each shelter has different forms of funding, which can mean they offer the very basics a bed and food or have resources for counseling, support groups, employment help, and legal advocacy. We all hope that one day they will all be able to provide as much assistance as possible to help all victims regardless of ethnicity, gender, and culture. It sounds like you are still struggling to find a way to move forward. Please give The National Domestic Violence Hotline a call for guidance, support, safety planning, and referrals. Thank you for sharing your story with our blog readers.
It takes much courage to share your experience in a public forum. I wish you all the best. I called and it is dead. No sound…no ring.. Then it just hangs up. I am encouraged by your response, and by the response of the Hotline Admin. I am deeply touched by every experience I have read here.
I am happy to hear that you are getting out of there. I am so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!! When you are out please come back to the board and post a message about your safety. They just focus on the fact that it takes us a long time, but very few people actually care deeply enough to help us gain that victory. I am talking about those who should be protecting us, like the police and church communities. So we take the time, care, and planning to rescue ourselves. You have so much courage. You are not to blame for his decision to physically abuse you.
If you were trying to control him, you would not be on the receiving end of his physical, verbal, or economic abuse. I wish you and your son the very best. I cherish your determination, and bravery. Please be safe. Hello, I am married and we have 4 kids. I am a stay home and have enjoy everyday of it. After 16 years I decided to go to a friends party that we both got invited but he refused to go with me so for the first time I decided to leave my kids with my parents who are living with us since february and went to the party in a party bus.
That was last night, today he took the car keys, took the carseat and everything from the car and told me that he decided to sell it because we need the money. He has been yeeling at me in front of my kids and my parents saying that I am bad example and more things. We are having a really hard time with economy but this is no a coincidence. What should I do?
He also told me that he will cancel our cellphone service pretty soon. Finally 1 hour ago he told that I should ask for forgiveness, and I am not going to do it. This could have been some technical glitch or high call volume, but I encourage you to try again. Lisette, this sounds like the start of something you do not want to go through. The advice i will give you is from my own experience: leave a paper trail!
I am in a very controlling marriage and he has total control over the finances I have no access and he uses them to control me. We have 4 kids and I have been a stay at home mother for years. I feel worthless from his belittling me and scared. I know I need to make a change. It can feel hopeless when you are dealing with an abusive partner who is not only hurting you verbally, but also in control of the finances.
There are domestic violence shelters where you and the children could go while you figured out your next steps. If you have any family, maybe you can ask for help through them. Advocates at The Hotline can brainstorm creative ways to save money and how to make a change. Thanks for reaching out. After 16 years, I can understand why this would be painful and confusing. Abusive people often want power and control in the relationship and one way that they do this is by restricting access to finances and transportation.
It sounds like he perceived your attendance at the party as a sign that he was losing control, and so he decided to step it up. This is very common. In a healthy relationship, both partners would be able to go where they wish and have their choices respected. I would invite you to give us a call. Our number is 1 We can also connect you to local resources such as counseling and support groups. I have been married for almost 15 years, we have 3 children and almost 5 years ago my husband started to be verbally abusive which I was totally unaware that was what was happening until I read an article just a few months ago on verbal abuse I was totally unaware he showed warning signs when we were dating and even after we were first married.
He first started pushing me away and ignoring me after our daughter was born. He is very selfish and manipulative and somewhat controlling. He has succeeded in ruining several of my relationships with my closest friends. He gets jealous when I am friendly to other men that are neighbors or long time friends. He also keeps track of what I do with the kids, like going to ballgames or parties or just out to eat or with my parents.
I have spent the last few years thinking I was crazy and something was wrong with me. I have depression and have problems with my stomach because of all this. He never owns up to the hurt he has caused me. He also points out sexual movies or women that look sexy in hopes to get me to change my mind. It disgusts me as I am a Christian and do not like these types of movies or commercials or women.
And he knows my feelings toward this. He gets all over them.
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But rarely disciplines for things they really need to be called out on. Especially when they talk back to me, he usually blames it on me and says why are you arguing with the kids, you have been arguing with them since I got up, what are you going to do when they are teens? Then I get frustrated. I want to ask in the way of finances if this is an example of control or abuse too? If we run out of money for something he wants, like the food he claims he has to have or taking the kids out somewhere expensive or going to a restaurant with a cousin he will then use his credit card for those expenses, no matter the amount.
I have to use the credit card to buy necessities for the kids like clothes or shoes or food sometimes because he has spent all our money. This week the kids really needed a haircut but he made sure he went out with his grandmother to eat at a very expensive restaurant, took one of my sons to laser tag and for ice cream and made sure he got a haircut and food at the gas station and his newspapers.
All this was done without asking how much money we might have left after we paid bills. I guess he used his credit card because we only had a few dollars in the checking account. I work very hard to shop sales and use coupons and have tried to make a stockpile of extra food, but he puts me down for all that and makes fun if I buy a store brand item. And he spends what I work so hard to save.
He also takes any chance he can to cut his hours at work or take vacation hours when they have extra workers. Which gives us way less money when it comes paycheck time. He also has a small part time job and he now goes and puts it in the bank himself and spends that on what he wants at the grocery store and never asks what else we need in the house or considers that I might need gas or have another bill to pay.
He talks about saving for vacations all the time and where he wants to go. I had no choice, we had no other means of money for that week. Is this all financial control too? I have moved out of the bedroom to keep from getting pressured mainly.
I get nervous and sick to my stomach to even come home. Is this how the physical abuse begins…subtle? He never said he loved me and or that he wanted to work things out. He has tried to play Mr. A lot of emotional abuse and controlling behavior, but also sexual abuse, and physical abuse. Pressuring you to have sex is not okay, if you do not want to have sex, or do not want to do something specific, your partner should respect that.
You should never feel like you have to do something, anything, including anything sexually to keep the peace. It is not okay to make you feel scared, intimated, or fearful in any way.
Thank you for sharing with our blog community. If you have any questions about this, feel free to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at Not even a car. Stupid me, I did leave him a year ago. Moved back with my family. But after 6 months. Im nauseas and sick to my stomach daily.
Its either this or become a bag lady. That sounds like an extremely difficult situation. It is very common for folks to become depressed when situations like these occur. I would encourage you to call us at 1 We can talk about your situation and get you connected to local resources that can help you get back on your feet. I am married to a person who I thought was my soulmate and will protect and caring. I am hitting the rock bottom, financial destroyed and yet have to battle to get child custody.
My husband always been the person who control our finance. I have a full time job and also going to nursing school. If we go out to the restaurant, he always make me feel uncomfortable to order food and drink that I want to enjoy without being judge by him.
Often If I looked at menu, first I look was the price because he done this almost 8 years. I worked overtime to make myself not feeling guilty if I know I want to get something or planning buy something next month. Now we are going through divorce and on temporary order he got the conservatory custody because judge said he making more money than I do. I feel like the sky just felt on top of me and buried me alive. On court he said I worked too much but the fact when the paycheck was there he complained nothing. In my entire 8 years of married, the first time in my life I ever saw form. I never know how much tax return we got.
By the way I am not U. I am so desperate to find help to get support and to get child custody on my children. Benirda, Thank you for sharing your experiences. We are anonymous and confidential and you can call us at Well, I am one of the women going through abuse, and I have been making plans to leave. Been trying all I know how.
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I have a safe place to go, but I have to be able to support me and my girls plus the new one along the way, and I have to have a way of transportation which I have neither. Thank you so much for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like this has been such a difficult situation and you are taking so many big steps to get you and your children to safety. It takes so much strength and creativity to come up with a plan to leave but it is so important to. We know that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are trying to leave. It is often the time when the abuse escalates if your partner becomes aware of the steps you are taking.
It sounds like it has been frustrating to find resources in your area. Because physical and emotional safety is our priority we removed the link to your campaign because it links back to specific identifying information. Our community guidelines ask that the post remain non-identifying for your safety and we want our blog to be a safe place for all community members. Married 13 years to financial control freak. I worked full time until two years ago, laid off and not been able to find work. When I did work I put half my paycheck into his account, and the other half I could use as I saw fit.
That worked. When we go to the grocery store, I cannot buy anything that I want or need, only what he wants. I wanted a can of refried beans which were on sale for a dollar, and he said NO and wouldnt give me a reason. Everything is questioned. I have no allowance even, I have to ask him for every penny. We are not poor — I dont understand this at all and I feel controlled, sufficated and unloved. Hi Pat, Thank you so much for reaching out.
It sounds like such a frustrating situation. Many abusers want to keep financial control in order to have all the power in the relationship. They often put their needs first and make you ask for money, even for the simplest things. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline so that we can talk you about your options and help you create a plan to stay safe. My child support is only given to me by the week. Judged okayed that If I let him treat me badly I will get paid my cash.
Last two visits I hide in my bedroom, until he is done. I feel inconfindent and ashamed. Usually it ends after his threats and then actually enjoying the feel of doing this to me.. Visitation rights vs. He gave my son the money. She was hired to represent my son through my request.. I hope you all are having a better day.
Thank you so much for sharing with us. It sounds like you are going through an really terrible situation. We know that abusive people want to have power and control, even after the relationship has ended. Abusive people with connections and money can be even harder to handle because they just have more resources to hurt you. And its so unfair. I want you to know that this is not your fault. You are not alone.
And it sounds like you are doing the very best you can to stay safe. There is no right or wrong way to respond to abuse. You do what you need to stay safe. In situations like this it is super important that you focus on self-care and getting connected to a supportive community. Dealing with this by yourself is going to be really hard. Are there people in your life that you can lean on for support? Are there activities and hobbies that you really enjoy doing that can help ease some of the stress?
I would encourage you to give us a call at 1 We can talk about your situation, develop a plan for your safety and get you connected to resources that can help, like support groups and counseling. If nothing else, you can call us just to talk. We are here to support you in anyway that we can.
So I am experiencing all of the above physical mental and economical abuse. I started my job about a few weeks ago and he had taken every dime. I never get to do anything for myself. I always feel so terrible about myself. I have 3 kids and I know they are scared too.
I have no family to go to either. It sounds like you identified a lot with our post on economic abuse. You and your kids deserve the safety that comes with stability, and no one has the right to take that away from you. Sometimes abuse can happen so subtly, it can be difficult to recognize all the signs. Healthy relationships require mutual consent for decisions that affect either person in the relationship. It sounds like this ultimatum is forcing you to release the right you have to consent.
We know that abuse is something that happens because one person believes they deserve all the power and control over the other, and uses a lot of different strategies to gain that control. I am concerned for your safety because it sounds like some of those decisions may isolate you from your family as well as limit your access to resources. Those are two common strategies that abusers will use to maintain control. Hope, I am so moved by your story, as well as by your beautiful spirit and talent for telling your story.
I am in a violent marriage myself. My story sharrs some similarity in that we are noth abused. I would love to talk with you. I know your comment was made a year ago. I hope you see this. I hope things are better for you now, but please contact me either way. I dont work much out of the home.. He always checks the receipts, he checks my phone,im not allowed to visit family he even tries to restrict my oldest daughter from visiting me.
Remember that our blog and social media channels are accessible by the general public and anything you post can be seen by all visitors. You can view all of our guidelines here. We appreciate your help in keeping our space safe for everyone. All conversations are confidential and anonymous. You have the right to make the choices in your life for yourself. You can also chat us online every day 9am-2am CST. All conversations are anonymous and confidential. I never had access to any of the CCs, debit cards, bank accounts, his name is on everything including the house we share.
Give me a break. I have ZERO conditions that would bring on a heart attack at my age…only him. This life has literally destroyed me from the inside out. Anyone who experienced what you did would have felt the same way. None of this abuse is your fault and you never deserved to be treated like this. This abuse was done to you by someone you trusted and cared about; someone who took advantage of your trust and love. Abuse can happen to the most intelligent person. It must be so scary to have your health disregarded by your partner, when he refuses to buy your medication.
You deserve to be safe, physically, emotionally, mentally. You deserve to be treated better than how your partner has chosen to treat you. We understand that leaving can be a scary and dangerous time. Please know that you can always reach us to talk about the situation. Its the opposite for me. I married my wife 3 years ago and i wish she told me about the 40 thousand dollars in credit card debt.
She knew I had 8 thousand in credit cards going in but she never let me in on how much she really had. Thats how I have been sucked into this hell abuse week after week like a cancer or prison sentence for an innocent man. I work full time and so does she. Shes almost a nurse in 2 more semesters of night school.
I didnt know she was making a minimum of a month on credit card payments. So i had to get 2 other part time jobs besides my m-f 40 hour job and i work an extra 3 shifts friday, saturday, and sunday. She has 2 kids im we are supporting with no child support from her deadbeat ex. One of our children is mentally challenged with an IQ of The financial abuse came when we decided to do a debt consolidation and they made us close all our accounts and have all the paychecks in one account. Well big mistake for me because i have to beg for gas.
Its got so bad that I have insurance and dental and cant even go to the dentist my once perfect teeth took a downward spiral becuase she buys the worst tooth paste and brushes and wont give me money for the co-pay. I had to take a fourth job working with my dad to pay for my contacts, contact solution, shaving products, coffee she feels i dont need any stimulants to work seven days and my own gas in the car for the week. Shes got her family and friends convinced that im a selfish prick who is saving for a luxury mid life crisis car when they ask why im working like a dog. Its got to the point that I just work, I slowly deteriorate and my stepkids dont appreciate that im paying the bills and laugh like im a crazy person.
Im tired. Im exhausted. I cannot go on. How pathetic I am. How pathetic I sound. Coming home to someone who continues to be controlling and belittling about the finances must hurt. I understand being angry about how your wife is choosing to treat you. You have the right to decide whether you stay in this relationship. If you decide to stay, it sounds like you and your wife will need to figure out how to handle the family finances. This can be a difficult conversation for any couple, even though it is a necessary one.
While this may look different for each couple, a healthy relationship is one based on trust, respect, and consent, and this includes the finances. Neither partner has the right to take choices away from the other. So sorry you are going through this too, Tom. Can you take control of the bills now? I mean you are being so generous just paying for her 2 kids not to mention all the debt she didnt tell you about….
Was left with all the bills and no car. The house was mine but not a cent went on principle the whole marriage or my cards or into my broken truck. I have been sick with combined sub acute neuropathy brain and spine I fought to keep my house, family promised to help and then just quit before I even was legally separated.
I told them I was really sick and my Mom and brother refused to listen. Its horrible. Jennifer is the Colombian beauty that Tim fell in love with. They met online and the relationship developed from there. He was a father and she was a mother. And they understood each other. They both wanted a serious relationship.
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It was quickly developing into just that when Veronica suggested throwing him a goodbye party and Tim had to mention it to Jennifer. She thinks Veronica and Tim are too close and she has a point. Jennifer knew this. Its why she asked for pictures of his goodbye party and, what do you know, Veronica was trash-talking her all night. She ridiculed pictures of Jennifer. He wants to marry Jennifer. Then she handed back her engagement ring to Tim. She said that she wanted it to be a sign of good faith and she suggested that he propose to Jennifer with that ring. And so, she was completely sabotaging him!
Veronica could also be sabotaging him with their daughter. So it was really good of Tim. He could have distanced himself from the child and he never did. Where would Chloe have heard something like that? Children take after the adults in their lives and so someone must have said something like that around her.
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Children aside, Tim has been excited about going to Colombia. He planned on showering Jennifer with gifts and making her feel special. He got a huge teddy bear for the little girl and he rented a two-bedroom apartment because he wants them to bond as a family. Tim has thought of everything. She kept telling him that he already has a family with her and Chloe. Michael clearly wanted to come to America and to them, it just seemed like he was using their mother. Also, Angela has had some concerns in the past. She went to visit Michael in Nigeria.
Angela even left him because she said he was taking it all in as if it was a joke. Angela proposed to him. She wanted him to know that she loves him and so, of course, he said yes. Angela has filed for him to come to America and so it might be any day now. Not when he was backing to flirting with other women on social media. Not as long as he remained committed to Angela.
It was Angela that had a problem with it. Michael it seems has never been accountable for his actions. They all thought that would be the end of the engagement. And they were wrong because she promised them that she was going to talk to Michael about it. Angela wanted to issue Michael an ultimatum. Angela planned on telling Michael to shape up and she said there would be consequences as well. Angela and Michael have been talking about having a baby. Only Angela was up there in years. It was never going to be easy for her to get pregnant and so she asked her daughter for help.
Angela has already talked about it with her daughter and her daughter said that she was going to see if Michael was really coming to the states. And finally, there was Rebecca. She would send him photos of her that were doctored, but those photos would take years off her face and truthfully they were disingenuous. Those photos showed her as some glamorous women.